Hey everyone, could you please review this small college application essay for me?

So i’m applying to Texas Tech University, and one of the essays i must complete is…. Please state your eductational and career goals and the reason for choosing your major.

I would be transfering to Texas Tech as a junior, (transfering from the University of Wisconsin) I would like to earn my Bachelor’s in Marketing, and then continue to earn my Masters in Business or Public administration. Anyways, here is the essay! Thanks! Any help woud be appreciated!

Upon earning my Bachelor’s degree in marketing, my ultimate educational goal would be to continue to further my education and earn a Master’s degree in Business Administration, or a Master’s degree in Public Administration. Throughout high school I was always putting my leadership skills to use, serving on the Student Senate and also being the class of 2007 treasurer for a consecutive three years. The field of Marketing encompasses a broad range of fields and it allows me a career in which I can use my leadership skills to their full potential. The reason I chose to major in Marketing is because I believe a Bachelor’s degree in Marketing will permit me to gain an entry level position in business. It would also help me in transitioning to my ultimate goal of earning my Master’s degree in Business or Public Administration.
Texas Tech University has a reputation that encourages both personal and professional growth. My career goals include pursuing a professional career working with people. The need for professionalism in the field means that not just a person’s technical skills are valued, but the person’s character as well. A well rounded education with an emphasis in personal growth, such as skill building in critical thinking for example, contributes to a higher standard of professional growth. The cutting edge professional is the person with excellent skills and a well rounded personality. These both contribute to excellence in building the business with an awareness of the community the professional serves in.
The recent history of business management has been wracked by accusations of self serving at the expense of the larger economy. The reputation of shortsightedness for quick gains at the expense of forfeiting the responsibility for the long-term health of the economy needs to be rectified. I feel that the technical skills of business professionals have been raised to a much too high prestige and the social responsibility of persons and business has been diminished. The future health of the United States economy, which affects all of us, needs people with character that calls for honesty and integrity as well as excellent business skills.
Speaking with others about Texas Tech University and researching the school showed me that my expectations of a quality education combined with the opportunities for personal growth will be met by my attending the school. This is why I find Texas Tech University the best choice for me.


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One Response to “Hey everyone, could you please review this small college application essay for me?”

  1. faded says:

    Overall I think this is a good responce for your submission. There are a couple things I would consider editing if I were you.

    Reorganize.. start the essay by first putting your prior experience such as the things you did in High School and any other academic college level work completed. This should be all the content of the first paragraph and there should be no additional information besides your past education.

    Second, list your current goal. Bachelors in marketing (as it appears) and put the reasons why you chose this (the part about it will allow you to have an entry level position).

    Continue on then with future education goals.. your plans to get a masters and why you want to have a masters.

    You can then include the last part of your essay if you feel inclined to but it seems irrelevant to what they are asking of you. Though it is never a bad thing to talk up the school you wish to attend it makes them think that you see them as a value.

    THINGS TO FIX: "Upon earning my Bachelor’s degree in marketing, my ultimate educational goal would be to continue to further my education and earn a Master’s degree in Business Administration, or a Master’s degree in Public Administration."

    This statement implies you already have a bachelors in marketing and you are now seeking your masters. Do not write "upon earning my bachelors", write something such as "I am currently seeking a bachelors in marketing". Then give your reasons why, write about the masters later in another paragraph.

    Do not write, "earn a Master’s degree in Business Administration, OR a Master’s degree in Public Administration". Pick one degree or the other, this is only for you to get in the school you can always change your major later. Stating two different degrees shows that you have not thought out what you are doing with your education, if you state only one of those two it shows that you have things planed out already and are ready to get going.

    Other than that it looks good, I think you did very well on this it just needs a couple fixes and some restructuring. Well done.

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